Sex Ed 102 is UNDER ATTACK! AGAIN!!

"When we die, we die. When we live, we live... ...what if when we die, we live?"

Death is a natural state. Part of a cycle that has existed since life began. It is as much a part of us as breathing. It is a mystery to some, an awaking to others, or oblivion. This thought has been pondered since T-Rex looked up to the sky, saw a giant meteorite, and thought, "Gee, do I have a good dental plan?".

We all wonder, at least on some level or at some time. Some live their lives in fear of death. Others realize the futility of worrying about it. The question of death does cross our minds though. I think its a part of what shapes our identity to question death. For some, the question can rule them.

I think in the end, death and life are both a part of what is true. How we choose to view them is purely up to us, but it does pose a question or two. What is the truth about life. What is the truth about death?

Verse

emptiness is calm

at peace with...

It is self

and everything.

It is all

and it is nothing.

Liberating.

Molestation cases are never easy for people to deal with, the make those on the outside uncomfortable due to not being able to understand, which in turn can make the survivor feel ostracized or just plain uncomfortable.
This is not always the case some people can understand. The survivor isn't any different then they were 5 minutes ago, but the molestation itself has in some way shaped them into the person they are. Thats the thing to remember.
Sadly tho, sometimes the survivor never realized that is exactly what they are, a survivor. Instead the fall into the victim and wallow in pain and suffering for the rest of their lives.
My hearts always gone out to them.
I vowed a long time ago to do whatever was in my power to be able to help someone in need. That maybe I can turn a victim into a survivor like someone once did for me. I read so many cases about molestation and rape, sex crimes in general. I find I can relate to them in some way or another from my own personal experience. Something has always bothered me tho, why is there a double standard when a woman is the molester?
Maybe I'm wrong, but it seems to me that there is a different set of punishment for women offenders then there are for males. I just recently read a case about a teacher (yeah, another one) who was engaged in a sex with a 15 year old student and recieved an 8 year suspended sentence and 3 years of probation. My first thought was, if the teacher was male, would that 8 year sentence have been suspended? Shouldn't a teacher, whom we give our trust to as parents and have to give our trust to as students, be held accountable even more so? Does not the child still have to suffer with the same emotional and developmental problems?
Here is a good case in point, Vincent Margera from Viva La Bam was sentenced to 10 years to life on probation for his case of fondling 3 girls at a autograph signing. On top of that, he was ordered not to perform as his character Don Vito on the show for 10 years. Is this not a double standard?

Now, not all cases I've come across have been treated lightly. I seriously doubt the rape case involving the football players in NC with be dealt with lightly. Though part of a comment from the coach bothered me... "I am relieved that the players were not injured"
...but weren't they?

I watched my life through 3 different perspectives last night. The past, what was... The present, what is... and the reality of the situation, the truth.

My life has been shaped and molded ever since it has been very young, as it way things usually are. Some good, some bad, some tragic. I've had the privilege however, of insight into the decisions and choices others have made in terms of my mental development and growth.

I've seen the beginnings of awakening and enlightenment being stifled by a complete lack of understanding of me as a child-person. I've also seen calculated choices. These choices lead a child, a once victim and current survivor on quest of self discovery and awakening his own half-sleep, half-woken, all dreaming mind. It was a personal trip of pain, manipulation, lies, and suffering. All the while knowing that at the end of it all was the truth of who I am. He

I've also seen "heroes" offering a helping hand. Some provided guideposts on this quest. Other purposely took me off course with intent self serving and deceitful. Those were the ones I always found myself circling back to, sometimes to face the situation, others to face the person, Always did it offer a second chance to correct past mistakes for all involved, sadly most don't always see that. There are real heroes in the world though. Honest people with honest souls. Those are my heroes.

I have also seen a world that watches and waits for problems to disappear and blow over. Sadly, that too was obvious in my quest. That had always been the reality of the situation. There is a part of me that has been grateful for that. It forced me to do the impossible. Then the word choice comes up, and this picture perfect world comes shattering into reality. My own choices in life have always had consequences, I've known this on some levels, and they have been hard to deal with and very confusing. Especially finally accepting the fact that it's not my fault. I didn't stop me from acting like a jerk sometimes. (though asshole seemed to have been the more preferred choice of wording)
Initially, I understood it all, accepted it and moved on, but it didn't end there. Actually, my choice to move on was just the beginning. I found myself seeking quiet reflection and finding my life in a circus of people and words and understandings that realistically had no idea what in the hell they were doing. A few even acknowledged this, most just thought they knew best and they were right, and "they" did the most harm.
In the middle of awakening to suppressed memories of child molestation, I watched my world crumble. Friends and family became enemies. Loves became monsters, and dreams became reality. It was like living in a cyclone. Many people in my life thought they knew how to fix me, never listening to me saying don't fix it, it's not broken. The more people pushed, the more I pulled away, sometimes forcefully. I saw choice die in those days and, eventually it went from being helped to being dealt with. I saw the true nature of beings, both benevolent and malicious in that situation, and within that I found what I was truly looking for. I saw myself for the first time. I wonder, had I not run that "gauntlet", would I be who I am today? No, sure as hell no. I would have a different life, yes, but I would not truly be me.

I look at these same people now, as I've learned forgiveness and understanding, with different eyes now. It wasn't long ago that many of these voices were "I told you sos" and "I warned yous", and I can look at their faces from a place I know they will never understand, nor be able to see. The place that only a few have a quiet understanding of, and we don't them here.

Because no one should be here.

But those of us that are, wait for those we know sadly will come.

Last, but not least, in my nighttime introspection from outsiders observation, I have also seen reality. Reality is choice. Choice has consequence. We all hope for the good, and many of us pray it won't end bad. We also have acceptance, because one of the realities of choice, is that it can be taken away.
More then once in my life has choice been taken, and more then once have I had to accept that fact. I've watched people rip right through my defenses and directly influence my choices. I have watched these same people later tell me, "you made your choice". Again, I have had to accept that fact. I'm not a strong willed person, at least until I trained my mind. Facing fear, quitting addictions, basically, taking control over my life. It took me years to do this and as I learned, people would test me, and more times then not, I failed. I did not stop getting back up though. The minute you do, you lose. Over time, I found peoples strengths can become their weakness. I used the situation to my advantage as went through my self-discovery. I became able to express myself, as myself. To better defend my position in life and to shape and myself into what I wanted to become. Eventually I was able to learn something that only a handful of any reader here will understand. I learned to say no.
Over time, I've learned who my friends are, the real definition of the word enemy, that those closest can be the most manipulative bastards out there, and that life truly is not unlike a dream, but a dream merely scratches the surface of what is really out there waiting. I became exactly what I wanted to be, gaining strength by standing for convictions, and I will not back down from the pursuit of equality, truth, or respect.

I still see these things everyday, I will live these things everyday.

I am scarred, but I am more alive then I have ever been. I'm learning to stop living in this "must see TV", pop culture society that has been so blanketed upon us and to live in the REAL world. The one only few been able to see so far. Nothing can take that away from me now, and it's been tried, many, times.
I hope one day everyone will evolve to this level that I am growing accustomed/in to.

Groundhog Day my Butt

What is it called when a situation repeatedly repeats itself? Groundhog Day comes to mind, but thats not quite what I mean. I refer more to terms of a problem that hasn't seemed to resolve itself, or a person who comes in and out of your life generates strong emotions even years later. One way to look at it is an internal issue within oneself that has not been addressed, another could be issues between individuals that have never been properly worked out. Like feuds amongst friends, or emotions for a person or a situation that have been suppressed.

Most people never even see these situations arising, hell, I wonder if they even look. Some I think choose to ignore these situations all together hoping maybe they will just go away. What if they don't however? What if these situations, be they internal or external aren't receptive to the idea of resolution? These are my question.

Say, for example, a person from your past has been recently popping in and out of your life, both directly and indirectly. You and this person have a troubled past, but not necessarily a hostile one. As an observer of life, you notices these moments over a period of time which brings up a great deal of introspection and you realize you have unsettled emotions over the past with them, some good and some bad. The question here is, how do you go about resolving these issues?

Some emotional loose ends I think can be tied up internally by more introspection and self-discovery, after all you are not the same person as you were before. Others I think require a more open and honest forum with an exchange of ideas, concerns, and truths. This can be tricky however as one side may not be receptive to the idea. This can even create worse problems if one side fuels while the other fans the fire so to speak.

In my example, say the person who has unresolved emotions with the other seeks to communicate that fact and this person isn't being receptive. If the first person continues with that approach odds are they are going to turn the other person away. If that happens, this first person could end up deeper emotional problems then original due to the addition of more emotional trauma.

A lot to take in, I know :)

To put it another way, person A is shunned by person B. Years later, person A and person B met again on more friendly terms. Person A is still bothered by the past with Person B and seeks to understand why they did it. Person B isn't interested in discussing the past and gets up and leaves Person A without saying a word. Person A is now not just re-experiencing the previous problem, but the current one as well. In my opinion, this would create more emotional problems for Person A.

BUT

Lets just say Person B shows back up 6 months down the road. Person B acts as if nothing has ever happened. How should Person A respond? Acting as if nothing happened would be a lie and obviously addressing the issue would only cause the same reaction. This puts Person A in a compromising position unable to do anything whether Person B is aware of it or not.

The first thing that comes to mind for most people is why be around them, but, let me throw this out there and say what if that is not an option? What if A and B are in position where they are forced to interact? The only logical recourse is for Person A to address Person B until dialog can be established and the problems resolved. In a sense this is forcing Person B to confront their own issues of the past to help resolve the present issues of both Person A and B.

Most people I think would not see this situation for what it is. This particular cycle or pattern if you will, is showing you that something is unresolved in your life. Be it a fear or an emotional state thats unresolved. In a sense, life is giving you an opportunity to address the issue. Think of it as a Groundhog Day for the practical lifestyle, and sometimes unresolved issues can be easy to confront and others may need to be met with an olive branch in one hand and a stick in the other.

The here and now

Today,
as I traveled across town to an acquaintance house, I realized the futility of this plan.
Sure enough, was he there?
Nope.
Tragedy, oh horrible suffering. Such a waste...
...right?
Tonight,
as I traveled into the chilled night air. I thought on this.
as I traveled through the park, picking up a bit of trash along the way, to the garbage can.
To find the discarded sweater sitting on the ground.
Down the quiet street,
as the the news paper delivery does their nightly rounds.
Past the hospital,
as the pair of girls slowly cross the road from the nightly break and back to the bright lights.
Into the secluded shrine to meditate,
while the wind howls, and the ducks quack. Breaking my meditation, but granting me a wonderful smile.
Through the lane near the pond as I am picking up trash,
gliding across the the grass as a hidden bird flys slowly into the night air.
And finally, down the sidewalk to my destine turn, meeting the cold walker.
He says to me with a chill in his voice...
"Nice night, kinda late"
"actually," I reply, "it's kind of early."
As I continued my way home, I thought about my reply...
Thinking about my trip earlier in the day, my sweater, the news paper delivery, the girls on their break, the ducks and the wind, the hidden bird, even the "late" night wanderer...
Am I early, or late...

...I think more like I am right on time.