I watched my life through 3 different perspectives last night. The past, what was... The present, what is... and the reality of the situation, the truth.

My life has been shaped and molded ever since it has been very young, as it way things usually are. Some good, some bad, some tragic. I've had the privilege however, of insight into the decisions and choices others have made in terms of my mental development and growth.

I've seen the beginnings of awakening and enlightenment being stifled by a complete lack of understanding of me as a child-person. I've also seen calculated choices. These choices lead a child, a once victim and current survivor on quest of self discovery and awakening his own half-sleep, half-woken, all dreaming mind. It was a personal trip of pain, manipulation, lies, and suffering. All the while knowing that at the end of it all was the truth of who I am. He

I've also seen "heroes" offering a helping hand. Some provided guideposts on this quest. Other purposely took me off course with intent self serving and deceitful. Those were the ones I always found myself circling back to, sometimes to face the situation, others to face the person, Always did it offer a second chance to correct past mistakes for all involved, sadly most don't always see that. There are real heroes in the world though. Honest people with honest souls. Those are my heroes.

I have also seen a world that watches and waits for problems to disappear and blow over. Sadly, that too was obvious in my quest. That had always been the reality of the situation. There is a part of me that has been grateful for that. It forced me to do the impossible. Then the word choice comes up, and this picture perfect world comes shattering into reality. My own choices in life have always had consequences, I've known this on some levels, and they have been hard to deal with and very confusing. Especially finally accepting the fact that it's not my fault. I didn't stop me from acting like a jerk sometimes. (though asshole seemed to have been the more preferred choice of wording)
Initially, I understood it all, accepted it and moved on, but it didn't end there. Actually, my choice to move on was just the beginning. I found myself seeking quiet reflection and finding my life in a circus of people and words and understandings that realistically had no idea what in the hell they were doing. A few even acknowledged this, most just thought they knew best and they were right, and "they" did the most harm.
In the middle of awakening to suppressed memories of child molestation, I watched my world crumble. Friends and family became enemies. Loves became monsters, and dreams became reality. It was like living in a cyclone. Many people in my life thought they knew how to fix me, never listening to me saying don't fix it, it's not broken. The more people pushed, the more I pulled away, sometimes forcefully. I saw choice die in those days and, eventually it went from being helped to being dealt with. I saw the true nature of beings, both benevolent and malicious in that situation, and within that I found what I was truly looking for. I saw myself for the first time. I wonder, had I not run that "gauntlet", would I be who I am today? No, sure as hell no. I would have a different life, yes, but I would not truly be me.

I look at these same people now, as I've learned forgiveness and understanding, with different eyes now. It wasn't long ago that many of these voices were "I told you sos" and "I warned yous", and I can look at their faces from a place I know they will never understand, nor be able to see. The place that only a few have a quiet understanding of, and we don't them here.

Because no one should be here.

But those of us that are, wait for those we know sadly will come.

Last, but not least, in my nighttime introspection from outsiders observation, I have also seen reality. Reality is choice. Choice has consequence. We all hope for the good, and many of us pray it won't end bad. We also have acceptance, because one of the realities of choice, is that it can be taken away.
More then once in my life has choice been taken, and more then once have I had to accept that fact. I've watched people rip right through my defenses and directly influence my choices. I have watched these same people later tell me, "you made your choice". Again, I have had to accept that fact. I'm not a strong willed person, at least until I trained my mind. Facing fear, quitting addictions, basically, taking control over my life. It took me years to do this and as I learned, people would test me, and more times then not, I failed. I did not stop getting back up though. The minute you do, you lose. Over time, I found peoples strengths can become their weakness. I used the situation to my advantage as went through my self-discovery. I became able to express myself, as myself. To better defend my position in life and to shape and myself into what I wanted to become. Eventually I was able to learn something that only a handful of any reader here will understand. I learned to say no.
Over time, I've learned who my friends are, the real definition of the word enemy, that those closest can be the most manipulative bastards out there, and that life truly is not unlike a dream, but a dream merely scratches the surface of what is really out there waiting. I became exactly what I wanted to be, gaining strength by standing for convictions, and I will not back down from the pursuit of equality, truth, or respect.

I still see these things everyday, I will live these things everyday.

I am scarred, but I am more alive then I have ever been. I'm learning to stop living in this "must see TV", pop culture society that has been so blanketed upon us and to live in the REAL world. The one only few been able to see so far. Nothing can take that away from me now, and it's been tried, many, times.
I hope one day everyone will evolve to this level that I am growing accustomed/in to.